


Raissa Baiard Loses Them All! Juicy Blabber Exclusive by Yilda Lami

by Ewok_Poet



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: F/M, Gen, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-29
Updated: 2016-10-29
Packaged: 2018-10-08 20:04:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10395006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ewok_Poet/pseuds/Ewok_Poet
Summary: Yilda Lami is sent to Merkesh to report on suspicious activities taking place...the best way she knows how.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is an award fic for  
> @Raissa Baiard. Her excellent story, [In the Cards](http://boards.theforce.net/threads/in-the-cards-a-raissa-baiard-doran-blayne-story.50030125/) was [voted Best All-Around in Saga](http://boards.theforce.net/threads/the-golden-yodas-%E2%80%93-the-2016-fan-fiction-awards-ceremony-see-you-in-2017.50040540/#post-53550628) and she requested a slugdgenewsflimsi article written by my OC, Yilda Lami, as seen in the [Galactic Correspondent round-robin](http://boards.theforce.net/threads/the-galactic-correspondent-rr-new-writers-welcome-prompt-10-up-15-30-june-2015.50026961/). The details referenced and shamelessly parodied are mostly from _In the Cards_ , but some have been picked from the rest of the author's opus.  
> The story/article name itself is a pun on one of Raissa's other stories, [Raissa Baiard Solves Them All](http://boards.theforce.net/threads/raissa-baiard-solves-them-all-part-2-added-oc-revolution-fall-challenge.50023955/).  
> The "ANGRY MACE™ brand" is an inside joke that originated from...OK, let's not go there. :P

**The Prefect of Merkesh is ONE WACKY CORRUPTED GAMBLER.**  
_by Yilda Lami for Juicy Blabber, the celebrity section of Lightyear Holo_  
  
**• Raissa Baiard: Does the incumbent prefect with a suspicious-looking roomate have a sabacc problem like her preceptor, Ari Renau?**  
**• Doran Blayne – is he actually somebody else?**  
**• Verraro the Hutt – the true ruler of Merkesh and his SHADOW GOVERNMENT!**  
**• Our psychiatrist, Seeg-mon D’fraud analyses the situation!**  
  
On her mission to discover the dirt underneath the immaculate Imperial uniforms of the Outer Rim Territories, YILDA LAMI uncovers one planet's governing apparatus after another! This week it's RAISSA BAIARD, the seemingly demure Prefect of Merkesh - she has lots of baggage and some of it is large enough to be carried on a sail barge!  
  
One of the first things that struck our reporter about Mistress Baiard is that she was not present when the time came to salute the Emperor with the first morning sun. If she is the Imperial she swears she is, why does she skip the Imperial Salute procedure? When we spotted her two hours later, she was emptying the garbage chute and even though she cut a flawless figure in the same uniform that we saw on her yesterday, **[editor's note: Yil, insert a list of appropriate uniforms at the end of the article! We could start a new trend here!]** the fact that she was accompanied by an unidentified being that appears to be her roommate made us even more confused about what REALLY takes place in that housing unit. **[editor's note: Could that be her pet?]**  
  
Later on, Baiard pulled off an effortless military look as she was spotted leaving the MERKESH IMPERIAL GARRISON and heading to the nearby CAFE ALDERAAN. She was seen talking to a woman we identified as SASCHA and the property owner DORAN BLAYNE. The roommate was not present, leading us to the assumption that Mistress Baiard only "kisses when the Sun does not shine". Our next-generation DOBY surveillance-bug droid, built after the previous one fell into the sea and begun to take our shuttle apart once we recovered it, caught Baiard and Blayne engaging in a game of sabacc that seemed not to be following rules.  
  
Blayne is a SHOCKING sight to begin with. Sure he lives far enough from the Core Worlds to understand that his hair style is an anti-Imperial act in its own right, but even if that was not the case, he would still appear very suspicious. It was reported that he does not like holidays, including Life Day, that he is a borderline alcoholic and that he spends a lot of time by himself.  
  
After a tip from our psychiatrist, Seeg-mon D'fraud, that Blayne exhibits the behaviour typical of fugitives, our profilers have indicated that the cafe owner may actually be a Weequay smuggler in disguise. This would explain his suspicious behaviour and the not-so perfect disguise that is the name of his cantina, a place most certainly not worthy a visit of our affiliate magazineflimsi _**Galactic Winning and Dining**. _ In this place, the sabacc players use obcene language, and when we filled a complaint, the answer was **_"So does Haaz, our Toydarian doorkeeper, so what's your point?"_**  
  
Trying to trace the origin of Blayne and Baiard's SUSPICIOUS ACTIVITIES and STRANGE BEDFELLOWS, we came straight in the lair of the local gangster, VERRARO THE HUTT, only to find both of the Humans present at his sabacc table. This is particularly concerning in Baiard's case - as reported by our parent publication, the previous prefect of Merskesh, ARI RENAU, was murdered for his sabacc debt! Mistress Baiard should sure know better than to follow his footsteps!  
  
According to Seeg-mon D'fraud, Baiard's addiction to gambling could have been propelled by Blayne's drinking and his Ortolan organ player's binge-eating. During the three hundred years of his practice, D'fraud has determined that women are more likely to succumb to dangerous addiction than men, which, in turn, is why they are not good with being placed in positions where high responsibility is required.  
  
"Verraro the Hutt must be familiar with my work." - D'fraud said. "He is effectively controlling the planet by surrounding a weak woman with triggers to her addiction."  
  
**So, who really rules Merkesh? Is the Prefect following her precedor when it comes to suspicious activities and does this mean that the planet is effectively in the hands of the unnamed Hutt clan?**  
  
_We reached out to Moff Cassius for clarification on the above, but he is yet to holocomm us._  
  
**Next week:** Senator Padmé Amidala of Naboo tragically passed away two years ago, but we traced what could be one of her sons from the illegitimate relationship with Jar-Jar Binks when she was ONLY FOURTEEN YEARS OF AGE. Seeg-mon D'fraud explains why a young, spoiled woman would have gone for an exotic individual while still somewhat precocious and why is that to be blamed on the former Galactic Republic and its imperfect, de-centralised system of education.  
  


**THIS SPECIAL BULLETIN WAS BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE ANGRY MACE™ BRAND ARTIFICIAL MILK PRODUCT.**

  
**_***NOW WITH VENGEANCE SPRINKLES!**_** *

  
IS YOUR PROSPECTIVE IMPERIAL YOUTH UNDISCIPLINED? DOES HE OR SHE LACK ON MUSCLE MASS, TOO? NO FEAR, OBEDIENT CITIZEN. ANGRY MACE IS MAKING ITS WAY TO YOUR HOUSEHOLD LIKE A GLORIOUS TIE FIGHTER PILOTED BY THE CADETS FROM THE ACADEMY ON CARIDA AND YOU CANNOT STOP HIM. HE’S SERIOUS ABOUT IT.  
  
WITH ITS PRODUCT PACKAGING SPORTING THE LIKE OF THE ONE MACE WINDU, THE EVIL JEDI WHO MIGHT STILL BE ALIVE, ROAMING AROUND AND HAVING INAPPROPRIATE RELATIONS WITH THE CORRIDOR GHOULS OF THE UNDERLEVELS ON CORUSCANT, YOUR YOUNGLING WILL BE TRICKED INTO SUBMISSION AND GET THEIR DAILY PORTION OF VITAMINS.  
  
* CONTAINS 95% SPRINKLES AND 5% POLY-SATURATED NERF MILK-FLAVOURED ARTIFICIAL WHEY PROTEIN. RADIATION LEVELS DETERMINED SAFE IN IDEAL SURROUNDINGS. AVAILABLE WITH GREY, RED AND BLACK SPRINKLES, OR A MIX OF ALL. RED SPRINKLES HAVE BEEN SHOWN TO CAUSE SOME SIDE EFFECTS THAT MAY OR MAY NOT BE LIMITED TO NAUSEA, SEIZURES, SKIN TURNING BRIGHT RED IN CERTAIN NON-PERFECT SPECIES AND SPRINKLES CAUSING HEMORRHOIDS IN OLDER CONSUMERS.  
  
  


 

**[editor's note: Yilda, that was not the product we were looking for!]**


End file.
